The beginning of something beautiful?

So, 
I'm trying a new colour here so we'll see if you can even read it lol.
I went back to Curves tonight after a two week absence and a 2month absence before that. I find it SO freakin hard to go. I like it there, I like the women there (even though they are normally 20-30 years older than me) and the work out isn't bad. It feels pretty low impact but they say it does work so that's what matters. When I was off on mat leave I went 3 times a week and at the end of about 5mos of that I had only lost 3/4 of a pound and 2.5inches - I was very disappointed - but maybe now it will be different. We are eating way better, much more fresh fruit and veggies, not much processed food at all anymore. We even went to butter from margarine, Ancient Grain and/or Flax bread, flax spaghetti etc. 
PLUS
If I'm not hallucinating I have lost 8lbs since January, just from eating better. I still have a pop every now and then, I can't seem to kick it entirely. I don't weigh myself regularly or want to, but I remember weighing myself sometime in Jan and I did it tonight on a whim and it was about 8lbs less. 
I don't know if I'm just having a pipe dream here but maybe, just maybe things are coming together this time. I don't know for sure but I really want (and need, truthfully) this to work.
We want to have another baby eventually and I really do need to lose weight before that happens. No medical professional has told me I had to and I have no health problems whatsoever but I feel I need to.
Things are suffering. My self esteem/body image absolutely numero uno. Sometimes Chris & I's relationship, which is inevitable when you don't like yourself here and there. Its really tough to get through and I'm trying hard but he's noticed my attitude change. I don't do it intentionally but its hard to be positive at times.
But like I said maybe this time things will change, maybe this will be the start of it. I wish I could have one of those epiphanies that all those "success" story people have where they just decide to change and do it - but that doesn't seem to be how I work LOL.
I have a better attitude now. I hope this all comes together. We all need it in this family. 
I want to look like this again!

 

How is everyone out there doing? Any New Year's resolutions coming to fruition? 

HAPPY Momma!

YAY!

Emeliah is walking! She has been taking a few steps on her own here and there, mostly hanging onto someone or something, but as of this Sunday she is walking EVERYWHERE (when she feels like it). She will still crawl or want to hang on to you here and there but she's doing it! All across the kitchen, the living room etc. Woot! What a good baby girl! She's just shy of 14months - she'll be 14months on the 22nd. 

Time is flying by. 

I can't wait to have another and yet I'm terrified to - I love her so much, how do you share that love? They tell me that you don't SHARE it, it doubles, but its still scary lol.

But until then, I'm SO proud of her! yay!

Sorry

Hi everyone (whoever reads this...)
I want to apologize. This mainly has been a ranting board, not one that I keep in touch with my friends on. I'm sorry for that. 
I've just been going through a lot of stress at work lately - there was a provincial order on the water plant and I got caught up in it and I'm trying to fight/deal with that, and now because of the order the management team responsible for us does not trust us and is questioning all our work/logs/information since - which is completely  uncalled for. If you all knew what I was talking about (a small part of the world does, so I won't try and explain) when I explained about the water plant and what happened I'm sure you'd be as up in arms as I am. Chris is, he thought maybe I was exaggerating a little bit but recent events have totally put him on my side. Long story short - we received an order from the government for an incident that is 2 years old, and had been proven to actually not be any sort of problem whatsoever. The evidence proves this, as does the engineer's report. However our management team rolled over when they should have asked us and fought for us, and that's what I'm angry about. Plus the fact that we received a sort of reprimand (kind of) when the engineer's report totally cleared us and its proven that there was NO incident is whats getting me upset. 
Every day I'm stressing about what I heard that day or what is coming down the pipe that day. Wondering if I have to be worried about my job, or going to shift work (ssssshhh don't say that too loud), or what will happen now when one of our ORO (overall responsible operator) leaves - who's going to replace him? Both people who are currently "up for it" if they don't hire externally would be horrid! The fear mongering by this particular ORO is a big stress in itself. I worry enough, I don't need him planting ideas and "information" (if its to be trusted) in my head. I already am losing sleep because of this, and because our union negotiations are on hold pending a conciliator - meaning if they don't help resolve the negotiations we're either on strike or locked out. I have too much depending on me and this job. That in itself is more than it's share of stress. 
I don't like mentioning it or making a big deal out of it - but its so hard to be the one who makes the bigger paycheque. Its not for lack of trying on Chris' part, that's for damn sure, and I don't fault HIM for it by any means - the whole "traditional roles" thing is nice but not realistic for the majority of people in this world anymore. I don't care about that, but its still a big stressor. I am not the type of woman who would ever throw that back in his face, or parade it around to other people, I hesitate to even "publish" this. I don't agree with that and like I said before, it isn't his fault. He's tried and is trying, and we're supporting each other throughout. Thats a partnership - the 'traditional' marriage is not necessarily needed to have an amazing marriage and/or commitment to each other. If you have children, even if you can't picture it now, it really would be amazing to be able to stay home with them (either one of you! and I mean that!) until they are school-age - I NEVER thought I would say that - but who makes enough money to be a one income household? Hardly anyone anymore. And those that do need to be very, very grateful. Those who are planning on having children, just a word of advice, if you have a job that tops up your maternity leave to your normal paycheque every week of your mat leave - DO NOT QUIT! I wish so much my job did that. I want to find one that does but how do you say "So, I want to know if you top up your employees on mat leave because after you hire me I'll be going off one or two more times..." YA RIGHT! But living on EI for your maternity leave can be very, very hard. Anyway that was an aside...
There's just so much going on right now. Work is a nightmare, the politics and bullshit are insane, the union stuff - my own and the city as a whole, the money stress, the knowing that I can't leave even if it becomes unbearable because I'm depended on, the worrying about Emeliah not being with one of us during the day, trying to figure out when she will go into a day care a few days a week (and budgeting for that!), our renos that need finished, the things we want to do this year...its just insane. I'm having a really hard time balancing it all. Chris is helping, he's really helping, but there's just some things he can't help with. Talking it through seems to help me relax and think it through, and helps me sleep at night. Its totally selfish of me and I'm sorry for that but I guess you don't have to read it if you don't want, right? LOL And it would still have the same effects on me! haha But I do miss everyone. 
I can't wait until this work stuff is over, because then I know I will be able to relax and forget about work when 3pm comes every day. Then everything else won't seem so bad I know. But until then...I'm on call for a week so we'll see how it goes. Fingers crossed we don't get all that rain tonight like their warning about, I really don't want to get called in at all. 
Anyway. Talk to you guys later.
Michelle
PS I do promise to make this blog into something useful...someday... 

 


 

Herrow

Hey guys
Back again. 
I didn't go to work today, I woke up with a headache and its pretty hard to do my job with one so I stayed home with Em. This job is getting too stressful for what its worth. Its really getting to me, I think that's why I had the headache to begin with - just the thought of going!
It sounds like normal ranting for any job but seriously, this is insane. There are like 3 or 4 different things going on at once, political bullshit, people leaving, union crap and mountains of distrust and dislike (to put it mildly). This is more than I've ever had to deal with and more than most people have had to deal with in their workplaces, I can guarantee it. When you are stressed out every single day, and can't enjoy your baby and husband except on the weekends (when you're not on call, of course!) because of worrying or anger caused by your JOB, there's something wrong. When you have to be worried about your job because any higher ups don't trust you - when you've never given any reason not to be trusted for 3.5years - and the people who are supposed to back you up throw you under the bus at the first opportunity and deny it - there's something really wrong there. Not necessarily talking about myself about all of it but as a whole - none of us should have to deal with this. We go to work, go above and beyond for our job and we all get treated like shit. Look at the contractors you have working for you - with orders and charges etc etc almost every year but no one gets up in arms about that. All I want to do now is go to work, get my paycheck and come home. I don't want to do anything more for you, because that's the environment you've bred. That's all on YOU. All I am trying to do is keep my head down and go about my business and do my job but it doesn't seem to matter. 
This is bullshit. I'm having a hard time dealing with this, this is not how it should be. 
Sorry that turned into more of a rant than I expected. 


Staying home today helped out a lot for the things that were neglected around the house...IE everything lol. Got the laundry caught up (well, in the process, there were 3 baskets...oops), dishes done, bedroom cleaned up, dining room table cleared off mostly - its our catch-all. Dogs all looked after today and Emeliah is doing well and napping at the moment. Got some of the windows open for some fresh air, it was/is nice out today. Wanted to take Em out but its really windy here, and I don't do well with wind (get earaches easily) and she doesn't seem to like it either. We went out briefly to get the mail etc and wandered around the yard for a bit but that's it, it was pretty cloudy at that time. I find that working where I do really puts a strain on the work I can and want to do at home. When Chris was off he was amazing at keeping things neat and cleaned up and I really appreciated it. He still does, come to that. I find myself really just wanting to relax or spend time with Em when I get home from work and not much else. Its me trying to space myself away from work and not think about it I guess. Things suffer around here when Chris and I are busy - hence the major laundry today haha. On top of the awful headache I had this morning I knew that if I didn't get time to do this stuff soon it wouldn't get done for at least another week, since I'm on call this weekend. At least its over now and done. Or close to done anyway. 

Well I think I'll head off for now, I need to get Em up from her nap. I let it go on too long as it is already LOL! She likes her sleep, just like her momma. 



 

Hey ya'll

Thanks for suffering through my last post. I appreciate it. 

Just an update for now. I may add on later. We'll see. 

I joined a Relay for Life team today! I'm pretty happy about it. Its my first time and I really should have done it before. As I said on my page for the relay I have had way too many friends and family affected by cancer and most of them have lost the battle. If you go to relayforlife.ca and search for Peterborough and look for 'I came, I saw, I conquered ' team thats mine and you can see/donate if you feel so inclined - from there. Oh wait, here it is (I think):

http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?px=4280703&pg=personal&fr_id=10596

I don't know how its going to work out with Em and Chris because I'll be gone for 12hrs+ but I know they'll handle it. And somehow I'll have to sleep on the Saturday during the day. But that's not til June so I'm good, I'll deal with it then.

Hoping I can raise some money, I haven't done something like this since grade school with the Jump Rope for Heart and all that jazz. We'll see.

This year, this is for you Dave Caldwell. I know my other family and friends that lost their battle, like you, would approve.

Rant. Warning : Bad language!

Here it is. 
This is going to be centered around our wedding. For the most part, everything was fantastic and I loved it. I had a great time and everyone else did too so they said. But, there are some things I really wanted to say. I really needed to say. And I do apologize if the wrong people read this, but it had to be said. I know its kinda wimpy to do it this way but it would cause unnecessary unpleasantness and anger if I actually did it. Its going to be haphazard and all over the place, because there's a lot to say and its been building for over 5 months. I want my friends to know what happened, and how things happened, and why some things were the way they were. That I didn't have anything to do with some of the things. And that I hated some of the things and I didn't get any choice in the matter. 

1. I had no idea what my centrepieces were going to be. Every time I asked - politely - I was brushed off or called a control freak. The lanterns and the fish were the only things I wanted and frankly I'm surprised they were even there, even though that's all I wanted. All that tacky, crappy green and white shit all over the goddamn lanterns was not me. It was disgusting. And the tacky mirrors on the tables. Awful. I didn't see my centrepieces finished until I walked into the reception. That's the truth. And the person who put them together KNEW all of this. And I KNOW that every time I asked they weren't even done, and that's why I couldn't see them. And I kept getting lied to. (If you are wondering who this person is, ask Gina or my Mom, they know. And so may you, think about it LOL.
2. Those STUPID TACKY CHEAP favour tags were not me. I didn't want them. I specifically said I did not want them. No one keeps them and I didn't want to pay for nice ones since they get thrown out, and I certainly didn't want the dollar store ones. I didn't know they were attached to my awesome favours until the reception, once again. And the handwriting on the ones I did see was awful. Gee thanks.
3. I did not want anyone to say grace. We were asked and we specifically said no. We are not religious, if you were at our wedding you heard that God was not mentioned in our vows at all. If we were religious we would have got married at a church. We didn't. Get over it. We were bypassed and my poor father was asked to do it, and of course he would do it if asked, on the spot, right before the meal. I was SO angry. I have nothing against people who are religious and would choose to do this but it was just something we didn't want. Ultimately it didn't hurt anyone or anything but really -we should have been respected in our choice.
4. The beautiful music I found and my cousin in Nova Scotia burned for me and sent to me to play as I walked down the isle was bypassed.  It was said that the CD wouldn't work, and I hope that was true. You guys likely noticed that some music started to play then it stopped - that was me saying if I couldn't get what I wanted I didn't want anything and I didn't care if was awkward for me walking down the isle. I was crying I was so upset. Had to pull myself together before the doors opened. Sounds ridiculous but just wait until you're there. You put a lot of time and thought into these things and when they go wrong its the worst feeling. The song is above - I couldn't figure out how to move it down here. Sigh.
5. The cake. I wasn't going to mention the cake because it really was very well done and yummy, but I'm going to. The cake was supposed to be a gift, which is great, but yet again it was a "surprise"... I did NOT WANT it to be a surprise. So that was fine, I gave the specs we wanted and the fillings etc. The cake was nothing like we requested. Sure it was really nice and tasted good but we didn't get anything we wanted, except the cake topper which I bought. I know that sounds rather spoiled and selfish, as it was a gift and we didn't pay for anything but the topper, but honestly - you asked for our specs and we gave them to you. Use them. That's what we wanted for our wedding. 
6. Our poor flower girl was the only one without red shoes. Not a rant, just felt sorry for her! Her mom said she couldn't find any. Sad!
7. I'm so grateful for Vanessa. I wish now that I would have known to invite her for herself, but I'm so glad she came with Leanne, Christie & Steph. Her makeup was awesome. I had no plan for that. 
8. So, SO sad that we had to have it inside. I was very disappointed but I'm grateful for everyone braving the wind for pictures. I am pretty disappointed it ended up that way. Not at all what we wanted.
 

I know now that I really let too much get away from me. I was being too nice. That seems to be my issue more often than not, I am trying all the time to please everyone else even in a small way. I didn't think it was that bad until afterwards. I didn't think I'd care that much, I'm not usually like that or that picky about anything! Once I was able to put everything together I realized what happened though. We were promised many things that never came through - which isn't necessarily my issue, my point is that if it couldn't be delivered or actually done, don't promise it. Or actually come clean about it. Don't hide it or try to push it off on someone else. We were put in a very tight spot before and after the wedding because of this. 

It really makes me sad that this is one of the most prominent things that I'm remembering. That is not how it should be. Its pretty bad that all I keep thinking is how we'll do it all our way when we throw a vow renewal party LOL. 

Like I said though most of the day and night we loved.  We loved every minute of being with everyone and having a great time. We're so grateful to everyone that helped out and were there for us for everything. Thanks to Dad for the open bar - I think that helped everyone's good time! LOL I loved the resort and the cabins and the grounds. The food was great, and I really liked our caterer. I loved our photographer and even though our DJ is NOT a people person he did a great job. Karen (wedding coordinator at the resort) was awesome - Marg (retired wedding coordinator) was a bitch, fyi.  The favours were awesome and I hope you guys still have them. Thanks to everyone for having a great time and showing us that you did. We love you very much!

Anyways sorry guys for ranting like that and I hope I didn't come off as a really big spoiled brat because that's not how I feel or anything. It obviously doesn't matter anymore as its long past but every time I thought about it I either wanted to cry or smash something. This will hopefully help. Sometimes you need to let it out to get over it. 

Advice for whoever wants it: 

Don't let anything go, or be taken over by someone else, unless you really don't want to be a part of it or honestly won't care about the outcome.

Budget for everything. Even if you are being given money by multiple sources (don't we all wish!) make sure you have some way of covering everything if (when?) the other benefactors fall through.

Be forceful in what you and your future husband want. I can't stress this enough. Its your guys' day and even if you are the most laid back, stress free person in the world there's going to be something you need to have - fight for it. 

Random, but : Get the dress you want. Mine took a biiig chunk out of our wedding budget and to a degree I regret that, but the feeling I had while wearing it and the look on Chris' face and his compliments afterwards were worth it.  

Don't let anyone try and bully you into a damn thing. Not one goddamn thing. If you want it - its right. I don't care if its having a python around your neck as you say your vows. If you want it, and it represents you in some way - do it. Don't do anything you don't want, even if its harmless. You will regret it, even a little bit. And as I've told many people in my life (namely you, Lan!) - have NO REGRETS!

I guess that's all. LOL I know you're saying "that's more than enough!" and you're likely right. I'm signing off of this one. 

Love ya'll. Thanks for putting up with me.

 ADD ON! To all my friends where a husband is not in your future, where there is a WIFE instead, I apologize! But it all carries over, future husband or wife, its all good. Love ya Lan ;)

First try.

Okay. This is my first attempt at a blog, not entirely sure how this is going to end up - with how I'm feeling lately I have an inkling its going to get angry. Maybe not right away but it will end up there I'm sure. 
I have a lot to say.
I miss my friends and this is a good way to get to talk to them without overwhelming them with texts or long phone calls no one can afford anymore let alone have the time for. If in fact they read this. I'm hoping they do. There are some people I hope do not read it (not that I can help it necessarily), but I don't plan on advertising it for everyone to see. 
I always wondered about people that blogged. Did they run out of paper in their notebooks? Are they trying to be environmentally friendly? Or are they just those kind of people who want their dirty laundry aired out in front of everyone? Do they think the world revolves around them and the general public wants to know every detail about their lives? I'm sure some of them are like this, but I can tell you what drove me to making one. 
I need to vent. At least right now. Maybe it will turn into something else later on but right now, I need to vent and I need my friends to hear it. I need someone to hear it. I can talk to myself all I want and my husband really tries but some things he doesn't want to hear and some things I don't want to rant about to him. Not that I'm keeping anything from him or he doesn't support when I'm upset but I believe sometimes we have to have things to ourselves. Not major things, nothing that can affect your relationship whatsoever, but things that would unnecessarily upset the other for no good reason. Or things that are long past, that make no sense to bring up again to your partner even if you're still angry about it. I'm sure (no, I know) that some of the things I'm going to rant/vent about are now moot points, because they are long past, but they are things I haven't been able to say and I need to. Things I need my friends to know. Nothing about them by any means, I'd never air that kind of laundry on the internet and invite people to read it! But just about things that have happened. That they were there for and a part of. 
I'm not sure when my first real post is going to be, its kind of hard right now to get this time, I'm pretty excited I got this much time haha. I'm happy my daughter is pretty content entertaining herself at this stage.   But I'm going to try. If my husband doesn't need the laptop tonight maybe I will get to then. 
Thanks for getting this far.