Sorry

Hi everyone (whoever reads this...)
I want to apologize. This mainly has been a ranting board, not one that I keep in touch with my friends on. I'm sorry for that. 
I've just been going through a lot of stress at work lately - there was a provincial order on the water plant and I got caught up in it and I'm trying to fight/deal with that, and now because of the order the management team responsible for us does not trust us and is questioning all our work/logs/information since - which is completely  uncalled for. If you all knew what I was talking about (a small part of the world does, so I won't try and explain) when I explained about the water plant and what happened I'm sure you'd be as up in arms as I am. Chris is, he thought maybe I was exaggerating a little bit but recent events have totally put him on my side. Long story short - we received an order from the government for an incident that is 2 years old, and had been proven to actually not be any sort of problem whatsoever. The evidence proves this, as does the engineer's report. However our management team rolled over when they should have asked us and fought for us, and that's what I'm angry about. Plus the fact that we received a sort of reprimand (kind of) when the engineer's report totally cleared us and its proven that there was NO incident is whats getting me upset. 
Every day I'm stressing about what I heard that day or what is coming down the pipe that day. Wondering if I have to be worried about my job, or going to shift work (ssssshhh don't say that too loud), or what will happen now when one of our ORO (overall responsible operator) leaves - who's going to replace him? Both people who are currently "up for it" if they don't hire externally would be horrid! The fear mongering by this particular ORO is a big stress in itself. I worry enough, I don't need him planting ideas and "information" (if its to be trusted) in my head. I already am losing sleep because of this, and because our union negotiations are on hold pending a conciliator - meaning if they don't help resolve the negotiations we're either on strike or locked out. I have too much depending on me and this job. That in itself is more than it's share of stress. 
I don't like mentioning it or making a big deal out of it - but its so hard to be the one who makes the bigger paycheque. Its not for lack of trying on Chris' part, that's for damn sure, and I don't fault HIM for it by any means - the whole "traditional roles" thing is nice but not realistic for the majority of people in this world anymore. I don't care about that, but its still a big stressor. I am not the type of woman who would ever throw that back in his face, or parade it around to other people, I hesitate to even "publish" this. I don't agree with that and like I said before, it isn't his fault. He's tried and is trying, and we're supporting each other throughout. Thats a partnership - the 'traditional' marriage is not necessarily needed to have an amazing marriage and/or commitment to each other. If you have children, even if you can't picture it now, it really would be amazing to be able to stay home with them (either one of you! and I mean that!) until they are school-age - I NEVER thought I would say that - but who makes enough money to be a one income household? Hardly anyone anymore. And those that do need to be very, very grateful. Those who are planning on having children, just a word of advice, if you have a job that tops up your maternity leave to your normal paycheque every week of your mat leave - DO NOT QUIT! I wish so much my job did that. I want to find one that does but how do you say "So, I want to know if you top up your employees on mat leave because after you hire me I'll be going off one or two more times..." YA RIGHT! But living on EI for your maternity leave can be very, very hard. Anyway that was an aside...
There's just so much going on right now. Work is a nightmare, the politics and bullshit are insane, the union stuff - my own and the city as a whole, the money stress, the knowing that I can't leave even if it becomes unbearable because I'm depended on, the worrying about Emeliah not being with one of us during the day, trying to figure out when she will go into a day care a few days a week (and budgeting for that!), our renos that need finished, the things we want to do this year...its just insane. I'm having a really hard time balancing it all. Chris is helping, he's really helping, but there's just some things he can't help with. Talking it through seems to help me relax and think it through, and helps me sleep at night. Its totally selfish of me and I'm sorry for that but I guess you don't have to read it if you don't want, right? LOL And it would still have the same effects on me! haha But I do miss everyone. 
I can't wait until this work stuff is over, because then I know I will be able to relax and forget about work when 3pm comes every day. Then everything else won't seem so bad I know. But until then...I'm on call for a week so we'll see how it goes. Fingers crossed we don't get all that rain tonight like their warning about, I really don't want to get called in at all. 
Anyway. Talk to you guys later.
Michelle
PS I do promise to make this blog into something useful...someday...